Table of contents
Why do we feel so lonely? It is because of the idea of romanticism.
⏳ The History of Romanticism
In the 1800s when there were no phones and transport was expensive, families would get together often to have hot meals and hung out by the living room (because they had nothing else to do at night).
They settled for life partners that were less than ideal because there was a mountain separating them and the next village, where a more ideal life partner might be found. Life was tough, but they seemed socially happier.
These days, things look bleaker. The idea of family seemed to be a far off concept, where everyone did their own things, ate alone at different times while watching Netflix, or leaving to work/study and only returning home during the holidays.
There is no long-lasting passionate love that we often see in movies, so we feel sad and even doubt whether or not our love towards our family or partner is enough.
Technology allows us to distance ourselves from whatever we don't like around us, and bring us closer to whatever or whomever we truly enjoy. Technology has linked us to anything we want, further beyond any mountain or sea.
Even if a person has some rare hobby, for example ironing clothes under the sea, there would be a community somewhere (and certainly Reddit) that would connect them with others who like Extreme Ironing.
Even so, we still feel lonely. Technology is not the sole cause of the problem here. The problem is that technology is being used to spread a set of ideas known as romanticism.
🧡 What is Romanticism?
The problem stems from the modern obsession with Romanticism. Pop music, movies, art and literature all tell us that having passionate love is the only way we can be truly happy, that we should chase after that love that would cause us to disregard all practical considerations of money, family opinions, and timing.
The tragic and dramatic story of Romeo and Juliet is childish and impractical, but if we repackage it and look at it through the lens of romanticism, it suddenly becomes one of the greatest plays ever written.
Romantics believe that love is born immediately at first sight. True lovers would instantly be attracted to each other. Without much thought and conversation, romantics know that this person is the one they would spend the rest of their lives with in an eternal fire of passion and desire.
If we were not allowed to be together with this specific person, our lives would lose all meaning. That this all-or-nothing approach is the mark of true love, anything lesser would be considered un-romantic. Thinking long and hard about compatibility, sexual attraction, goals, or the opinions of those we respect, is a sign that this is not true love. All these issues of friends, work, hobbies, politics, family are all secondary and will sort itself out once we've found "the one".
💔 The Problem with Romanticism
This set of all-or-nothing ideals even flowed out to influence our relationships with friends, that we should always be passionate and meet up whenever we get the chance, and we get criticised when we want to stay home to enjoy a good book.
Wrose still, couples that watch a romantic movie might reassess their own relationship using the unrealistic standards of romanticism. Even people who do not feel this way learned to pretend to feel this way to be "normal". It's understandable that we would share snippets of our happiest, most romantic times on social media, but this causes the normalisation of all this absurdly romantic things.
It's no wonder we feel lonely and unhappy with our relationships. We aren't supposed to fall irretrievably in love at first sight. We wouldn't mysteriously know our partner merely from intuition. Sometimes love and sex can be totally opposite experiences. Being kind, mildly attracted to someone, and committing to grow old together is good enough to form a healthy and stable relationship.
Conclusion
We are lonely because we are not in love with a person, but in love with figments of our imagination caused by romanticism.
The good news is that as we are more and more aware of romanticism and its flaws, we will move away from it, and sooner or later, begin to build good enough relationships.
We are never perfect, but good enough.
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